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# Responding with Curiosity: A Compassionate Alternative
- URL: https://www.jeffsu.org/responding-with-curiosity-a-compassionate-alternative/
- Published: 2023-06-04T13:00:12.000Z
- Updated: 2024-07-24T12:34:08.000Z
- Author: Jeff
- Tags: Career, Communication

This week, I lost my temper at work.

Worse yet, I shouted at my direct report in front of other team members.

She was given a task - to familiarize herself with a few key formulas, such as the well-known "=importrange".

However, during my review, I discovered she hadn't followed my directives. In fact, she didn't even understand the purpose of "=importrange" when I asked!

Naturally, my temper flared and regret washed over me later. After taking the time to apologize for my outburst, I found myself reflecting on how I could've better managed that situation.

I then remembered the concept of “responding with curiosity” (something skilled negotiators use all the time in the world of business and police work).

## Responding with curiosity

- This powerful approach encourages one to shift their focus from personal emotions ("How could you disregard **my** instructions?") to understanding the other person's perspective ("Why would someone as diligent as her overlook this? Let's delve deeper.")

Had I asked a few more questions like,

> "I'm a bit disppointed, but was there a specific reason you didn't look into these formulas?”

I might have realized Jennifer (not her real name) had prioritized other pressing projects I assigned her, or perhaps she was dealing with personal issues at home.

Although I can't guarantee I'll never lose my temper again, I've made a mental commitment:

- The next time something similar happens, no matter how annoyed I am, I will first explore the situation further by asking at least one follow-up question before hastily passing judgment

Curious to hear whether you’ve all been through this at work (and whether you’re on the giving or receiving end).

[I have a question 🙋🏻](https://www.jeffsu.org/responding-with-curiosity-a-compassionate-alternative/#ghost-comments-root)

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